Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Bringing All Y'All Up to Speed

heh! Speed actually not being much in my life lately, of course. So maybe you can do that part for me, see? ;-)

In the past, sometimes, I've tried to describe how going into these long-drawn-out bouts of illness gets me feeling nearly disconnected. Drifting along in the air, far far away, at the end of a fragile thread, just barely tethered to the earth, to the loved ones and friends and fellow blog-worlders and neighbors that remind me why I live.

I've never before been so far away for so long. Never come so close to letting that thread snap. Couldn't always remember why I'd worked so hard, times past, to return. It was puzzling sometimes, why a person would spend so much effort to make a hard landing when it was so soft and easy and quiet to just let go.

But as a wise friend reminded me once, while we were grieving over a mutual loss, I've always chosen life. Whenever I come to one of these crossroads, I take the path that brings me back to the only life I know, this life on earth. For whatever reason, here and now is where I belong. And so, it's where I'll be staying once again.

It's altered, though. In some ways the life in question has quite drastically changed, and for the worse, and forever. I want, or need, to describe it as best I can, but it might be hard for you to hear. And I don't like to make anyone sad.

So I'll tell you this, too: Sometimes these life changes have a sort of emotional anesthetic built in. Certainly I've been awash in it; there's even been some leftovers to help with the other rough spots, the harsh changes that hit their target full force, undiluted.

What I'll aim for is to post updates, maybe followed later on by LP versions, on some of the main events that have unfolded. Fill in backstories. Some you may find genuinely interesting. Some will call for gross-out alerts for any of the sqreamish that may come by, all innocently unsuspecting.

There may be a few little entertainments mixed in too, because who wants to think only about the hard stuff all day? I sure don't.

I'm quite weak these days; physically, mostly bedridden. Mentally, I go meandering about like my little cat April in her dotage. Result? Whatever makes it onto this *paper* may be disjointed, stopping and starting, with endings unconnected to beginnings. All untidy. Oh! But the good news is, I can get back to one of my best-loved hobbies in the world: answering comments, yay!

And please remember - this isn't a plan per se, it's just something I'm aiming for, see? Don't wanna mess up my Reverse Jinx.


Desert Cat said...

Listening here.

I can't think of what to say, except I knew that it was pretty bad. I am grateful that you are still with us, that you chose to come back again.

I think I know you well enough to know that you will continue to weather this and whatever is to come with grace. In the end we all shuffle offstage. The difference is in the degree of beauty and grace with which we do so.

Take care of yourself and know that I am here thinking of you.

Granny J said...

Three cheers for life -- and for k, whose life force is a wonder to behold! Hang in there, love.